Why?.....

I thought I would try to answer a little more in depth about why I've been gone from the blog for so long.

As I said in my last post, my mind has really been in a mental pinball machine....bouncing around, landing in one slot or the other, then slowly rolling to the bottom, the operator not caring how many points she was losing.

Every once in a while she'd attempt to get back into the game, but it was just too hard. Too much mental effort, sometimes too much physical effort. She was not playing a "mean pinball."

Low blood will do that to you.....and that is what I've been struggling with. Even today, I realized I REALLY wanted to stay in the bed, after doing all that walking and sitting up yesterday.

Sure enough, my blood was as low as the day I was admitted, so will be getting two units today. Will be feeling perky enough to take another walk this afternoon. It is AMAZING how quickly a blood transfusion will turn your energy level around!

Part of me has also been like Greta Garbo...."I vant to be alone." Again, so I can sort through the mental but also deal with some of the OTHER physical things that have been happening to me as a result of the chemo. My first really "negative" effects. It is hard to want to be around folks when you feel like you have to suddenly jump up and run off to the bathroom, hoping you'll make it in time.

I also used this time to really fall in LOVE with my Kindle. (And yes, I know the iPad just came out but I'm not lusting after that, YET). I was able to get a giant David Baldacci "fix" by downloading three of his books I had not read: True Blue, First Family, and Last Man Standing and then devour them. Ahhhhhhh......it was like a giant brain enema. Sorry, I know that sounds gross, but getting involved in the seedy underbelly of Washington, DC and surrounding areas, with some strong kick ass women characters was just what I needed. Plus, part of First Family is set in Alabama, so that was kind of fun, too.

As for all the unanswered emails, I can only apologize for that. I had days when I never picked up my computer. I just didn't want to be overwhelmed. Sometimes I would open the computer, only to close it up. I think I had one day, out of all the days I was home, that I even felt like reading emails and responding to some of them. So it isn't/wasn't YOU, email writers, facebook messagers. It was ME. Trying to cope the best way I could.

I'm having to deal with the fact that I really have a LONG road ahead. I know because I put my whole chemo schedule into my iPhone calendar yesterday. I got it up to December 2010 and stopped because I didn't think I could bear to continue on for the 24 months AFTER 2010 that I will be taking a treatment at least once a month, barring any unforseen happenings.

Speaking of treatments, another large part of this last month has been getting used to going to the Cancer Center. Some days it is a piece of cake. Other days, it can be long and drawn out, depending on whether I need blood or not. Then, there's the getting ready to go, going, waiting, getting treatment, coming home, or, like my last trip, being admitted to the hospital from there. It is always a surprise. It can be wearing on the soul and the body for the patient and the person who takes me, which has been Jonathan, for the most part.

And lastly, whether in a fit of just feeling "pissy" or jealous or something, I got mad yesterday at the fact that I cannot take off this "leukemia" like it was a coat or something and go do something fun, if only for 24 hours. Or, two.

It is with me, 24/7.

It controls me.

I am not in control.

And it sucks.

So, if one day you ask "Is there anything you need? Anything I can do?" and I reply, "Yeah, you can switch places with me this week", just know it isn't directed at you.

I'm just jealousssssss.

If you don't get the sentence above, maybe this clip will help. I love me some Napoleon Dynamite!